I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
Let me start by saying my boyfriend (28m) and I (33m) have an amazing and fulfilling sex life with one another! To add, historically, both of us have been known to be group sex hounds! I typically find myself sandwiched between a happy couple in their marital bed, and he expertly moves through parties of willing participants.
Now, here lies the issue: despite feeling comfortable, fulfilled, and both having a solid amount of group play under our belts—we cannot seem to find a path to a third that works for both of us! It's either that he feels it's too planned or that I feel it is too sudden.
It's gotten to the point of one or both of us choosing not to follow through on thirds and couples that we have found (independently or together) multiple times. Despite flaking, we catch ourselves regularly fantasizing about how good it would be to have some third/group play and expressing how *badly* we both want it.
If he's not turned on by the prospect of someone I've met socially or on social media planning a visit, and I have trouble being comfortable with someone completely ready at the drop of an app, what are we to do?!
— Two-Thirds of a Threesome
Dear Two-Thirds,
It sounds like what you need is...controlled spontaneity. Instead of using the apps and inviting over a stranger to bone in a span of 45 seconds, or going on a three-way date where you chat for two hours about when you came out and how your parents reacted, meet in the middle and try picking up a third at a gay bar together, as a unit.
I used to do this with my ex-boyfriend, and it was one of the most fun things we did together. More importantly, it'll satisfy both of your needs. Your boyfriend will get the thrill of finding and flirting with a sexy stranger, and you'll get to actually talk to the guy before you bone. He's not just face-down, ass up in a dark room; you can see if you're vibing with him, and if not, try another guy. That said, depending on where you live, you can also go to a venue that has a dance floor and a dark room, so if you do meet someone you're both into, you can turn the corner and go to town on each other. Controlled spontaneity, my dude!
Another potential solution: You plan the threesome. Get on the apps and find a third who's into you and your BF, and who doesn't mind coming over without talking to your boyfriend first. Your boyfriend doesn't have to be part of this process, but he should know you're planning a threesome.
Now your BF may want to pick the time and day the third joins, or he may not. (Just ask what his preference is.) Additionally, your BF can be as active in the "recruiting" process as he wants to be. Maybe he wants to see the guy's face and nudes, and that's all. Or maybe he wants to be completely surprised—hot!
Then, schedule the third to come over on the agreed-upon night (if your BF wanted a specific evening) or a night when you and your boyfriend were planning to stay home and watch Netflix (if he wanted it to be a total surprise). That way, for your boyfriend, it IS spontaneous. He didn't plan shit. For you, it's not spontaneous.
If these solutions don't work for you IRL, and you can't reach a middle ground, maybe you two don't have threesomes. Sure, it's a bit of a bummer, but as you said, your sex life together is already "amazing and fulfilling." So just keep the threesome idea a hot fantasy, and who knows? Maybe one night, when a full moon is high in the sky, the perfect guy will approach you both at the bar, and he'll be the needle in the haystack.
