If you’re wondering if a threesome is for you, you’re certainly not alone. Group sex is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a study conducted by Justin Lehmiller Ph.D., Men's Health advisory board member and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Men especially fantasize about sex involving multiple people.
Studies show that about 10% of women and 18% of men report having participated in a threesome. If you’re looking to add yourself to that lucky group of individuals who get to make their fantasies a reality, here are some things to consider. We polled sex experts and regular people who've had a three-way on every aspect of how to have a threesome.
Why do people love threesomes?
“Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love. It’s the experience with my partner that I enjoy the most. On a side note, the opportunity to be inside multiple women in the same night is an ego boost. Just keeping it real.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“I think there’s something special about intimacy with multiple people at the same time. I don’t even think it’s about fantasy fulfillment, it’s more just getting the opportunity to enjoy loving two people like that at once.” —Spencer*, 21, Quebec
“You can get really creative in group sex situations thinking of new positions to try, taking turns to focus on one person, etc. I like that the sex doesn’t stop even if one person taps out briefly to have a drink of water or just sit and watch the other two. It’s a constant dynamic process that you just don’t get in 1-1 sex.” –L*, 22, UK
What are the logistics of having a threesome?
There are so many ways to pursue and have a threesome, so you’re going to have to really think about what you want. Here are some questions to think about:
Who do you want to have a threesome with?
Do you want to join an existing couple, have someone join a romp with you and your partner, or are we looking to recruit a few free agents? These factors are going to determine how you search for a threesome.
What are you and your partners open to?
What are your combined sexualities? Who will be interacting with whom, and what kind of activities are on the table? Some folks like to have threesomes without kissing, or take the idea of penetration off the table. Some men want to have a “devil’s threesome,” which is a threesome involving two men who do not have sexual interaction with each other. Others want a fully bisexual threesome.
Where are we doing this?
Consider potential locations, sleeping arrangements and the duration of the experience before you jump into it. If you’re partnered and you’d rather not have the person joining you stay, kindly make that clear. If you’re open to that opportunity, make sure there’s plenty of space in your bed for three.
How do I find folks to have a threesome with?
“It helps to find a community and friends with similar opinions towards sex and relationships. We found kink communities, LGBTQ communities that provided opportunities to organize a threesome. Dating web sites can work but it’s not cool to be a unicorn hunter.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“My primary partner and I looked at each others’ Tinder matches and messaged the people we were both drawn to (and who seemed like they might be open to it!) asking if they’d be interested in a threesome. If the answer was yes, we’d chat a little about boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc., and then if things still felt good thereafter, we’d meet up.” —Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“I would suggest that other people interested in threesomes should start with their partners and talk to them about what possibilities they’re open to. If you’re on your own I suppose the apps (like Feeld and OKC) and online communities are other places to look. Most of the sex positive people I’ve met and have interacted with were found using these methods.” —Daniel L., 40, Queens
What is unicorn hunting?
Unicorn hunting is when a heterosexual couple seeks a bisexual woman to join them for a threesome. It’s not inherently wrong to look for a bisexual woman to have a threesome with. However, unicorn hunters have a bad reputation because they often treat the woman joining them as a transaction, as opposed to a human being.
Unicorn hunters also tend to use predatory and deceptive tactics in order to lure bisexual women into their bedrooms. They often will enter queer-designated spaces by solely using the women’s profile on dating apps, or even present as a single woman, only to reveal the intended arrangement AFTER a rapport has been struck up. This leaves bisexual women feeling hurt and misled.
“If all you’re interested in is getting a third for you and your wife with no real emotional connection I would recommend hiring a professional sex worker,” says Daniel L. from Queens. It’s totally valid to hire a sex worker if you want to call the shots! That way you can create the exact experience you want and not worry about the emotional attachment.
How do I emotionally prepare for a threesome?
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Jealousy during a threesome with a partner is common for folks in monogamous relationships. Studies literally show that communicating or creating rules that benefit you and your partner can amplify feelings of comfort. If you struggle with communication, you may want to hold off on having a threesome until you further develop this skill.
“Start off threesomes with sharing each person’s desires, fears, and boundaries," says sexuality educator Cory Bush, CD. "Each person (regardless if they’re partnered) should share their own.” This is a great way to air out any potential roadblocks, and determine what you may want to look out for concerning any potential triggers or uncomfortable feelings.
Defining your boundaries beforehand is always recommended.
What should I keep in mind during the actual threesome?
“[Don’t] worry about erections. Penises often fail to stay erect in group situations and that is totally normal, especially if you’re new to it. I promise no one will care. It’s so much more exciting finding creative ways to pleasure people without a focus on penetration.” – L*, 22, UK
“I think if you’re wanting a threesome because it’s a particular fantasy for you, just adjust your expectations a little? They can be a little stilted and awkward at first and it can take a couple tries to get it to live up to what you’re picturing.”—Spencer, 21, Quebec
There are a few red flags to look out for when engaging in a threesome.
“I think if someone is extremely eager to get down and dirty but dismissive when it comes to all the prep work (setting boundaries, managing expectations, etc.), that person may not have your best interests at heart.” –Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“When it’s about finding someone to rekindle the attraction you have to your partner. That’s a different problem that needs inner work and communication and therapy.” —Evans, 29, Ghana
“The largest thing I look for is that both parties are both excited—even if they show it in different ways. My biggest concern is that in the couple, one partner is the leader and the other partner is just going along with it essentially.” –Emerson K, 21, Kansas
But what if everything goes horribly wrong?
If you’re going into a threesome with a partner, there are a lot of things that can go wrong. Jealousy may rear its ugly head, insecurity may take over, or triggers may unknowingly become revealed. A threesome is a risky activity, and can highlight instability in your relationship.
That’s why it’s incredibly important to go into the experience knowing that your relationship feels safe and secure. “Even if things don’t go how you thought they would or even if something triggers you, you know that you have a supportive partner who is down to help you through that afterwards,” Bush says. “We have to feel both physically and emotionally safe in order to truly surrender to pleasure so if you’re worried about something that could cause a fight, hold off and focus on that for now.”
Even though it may be scary to pursue a threesome, don’t let fear lead you. A threesome is a great opportunity to have a little fun, explore sexually, and potentially get closer to your partner(s) in the process.
*Subject's name has been changed to allow them to speak freely on private matters.
