If you were to believe everything you see on TV, or, more specifically, in porn, you might think that threesomes happen spontaneously, often in the doctor’s office, and that they’re always glamorous, smooth-running affairs. Or maybe you perceive them as a last-ditch attempt to spice up a monogamous relationship; a Hail Mary when two people can no longer stand the sight of each other’s faces in the sack.
In reality, neither of these cliché portrayals is wholly accurate. Sure, maybe being bored in your relationship is a good reason to give a threesome a go, but it also could just be a thing that you want to do, as opposed to a last-minute EpiPen. What’s more, while threesomes can be fun and exciting, they can also be a little nerve-racking and awkward – and they take a lot of planning and communication (plus, the doctor would definitely get struck off).
How are you going to find your third, for example? Or, if you’re single, your second and third? Should you download a specific app, or is it more of a ‘We saw you from across the bar and really dig your vibe’ kinda thing? Then, when you’ve locked your partners in (metaphorically, not physically), who goes where? What happens afterwards? And, above all else: are you actually ready for a threesome in the first place?
To guide you through it, we’ve outlined all the questions you should ask yourself beforehand. We also asked porn performer King Noire for his expert tips on how to make it as hot – and streamlined – as possible.
Why do you want one?
If you’re inviting someone else in because you’re no longer enjoying your sex life, it might be worth figuring out what’s wrong before doing it. A threesome is not going to suddenly make you like each other more, and if you find sex with the other partner unappealing… well, they’re still going to be there. Plus: whoever is invited into the bedroom with you should never leave feeling like they’ve caused the rift between the two of you to get bigger.
But wanting to try something new is to be actively encouraged. It might be that you’ve realised that an open relationship isn’t an option for either (or both) of you, or that a threesome could be a nice way of exploring things in bed that are simply impossible between two people: maybe you’re two men who love getting penetrated and you’d both like to get a dick for once. Maybe you’re a man and a woman who are into a particular type of kink, but it requires a third party to really get you off. Or maybe there’s just someone in your life who both of you are equally interested in. What’s important is talking about it, and making it clear this is not born out of displeasure, but merely a desire for more pleasure. Talk about it the same way you’d talk about buying a new dildo, or, say, a sex swing.
It’s also worth being aware of some common misconceptions about threesomes. First, says King, eradicate the thought that it’s “all about the men”. “Many [heterosexual] men are, unfortunately, unable to fully recognise the humanity of women, which includes their sexual interests, desires, and expressions,” he tells British GQ. “Sometimes they’re so focused on their own pleasure that they think, ‘If it’s a threesome, it’s got to be all about me; these two women are here for me’, not even thinking that it can be a threesome with no men or with two men.”
What do you want to get out of it?
You may want to bring someone in so that all three of you can be equal participants, but you also might want to bring someone in who exists purely to further the pleasure of you and your partner. Both, as long as respectful and consensual, are valid, and somebody out there will be willing to fit into the vibe. The great thing about being a couple looking for a threesome is that it’s a buyer’s market. Still, it’s important to know what the good things you want to get out of this are. Do you want to have two people fighting over your dick? Do you want to try anal with a stranger? Do you want to be cuckolded? To quote great theatre directors: get to know what your super-objective will be for the scene, and, more importantly, what everyone else’s will be.
But, as King says, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to “do all the work and take care of both people all the time”. “One of the great things about a threesome is that sometimes you can fall back and be a voyeur, or support your other partners in their situation; you can hold their head up or lift their leg,” he explains. “There’s a lot of creative ways to participate in a threesome where you’re not directly penetrating somebody or being penetrated by somebody.”
What are the red lines?
Equally important: what won’t be happening. Everything is up for discussion here. Is kissing off the cards? Is penetration off the cards, or is it fine as long as no one ejaculates in anyone else? The thing is, if both of you aren’t equally keen on something, it should probably be a red line. Also feel free to flag things that could be a problem for you; it’s good to know, even if you’re hoping they won’t be an issue when it comes down to it. Not sure how you’ll feel if you see your partner getting sucked off? Raise it, even if you’re fine with it. Make sure you’re both aware of the terrain.
“Having that conversation in the beginning definitely helps, so that when you’re actually in the moment, your partner knows what you’re comfortable with and vice versa,” adds King. “The same thing goes for when you reach out to that third person. Let them know what your comfort levels are as a couple, what you’re interested in exploring, and find out what they’re cool with as well. Be upfront and honest – the same way you’d be in a duo sexual situation.”
On top of that, you should establish a word, gesture, or something that’s easy to use when either being pleasured or trying to communicate with people being pleasured. You want the ability to re-group if necessary. Make sure it’s something suitably natural for a third party not to hear it and think they’ve messed up, and make sure it’s not so natural that it could get lost in the fug. For example, if you don’t smoke, and your third doesn’t know that, maybe the code is, ‘I’m going out for a cig’.
And, it should go without saying, but make sure you know your STD status, or/and get tested beforehand.
How do you want to meet the person?
There are plenty of options here. You could go through the people in your life and see who’s down; you might be amazed by how many people in your life are flattered, and not at all weirded out, by such a message (maybe set a boundary with exes though. Or not! I don’t know you!) This is King’s favoured approach. “The best way to organise a threesome is organically and naturally,” he says. “Just being around people you vibe with.” Although he admits that this isn’t always easy. “It is one of those situations where you might not have one or two other people who are interested in you.”
In that case, you can also try apps: straight dating apps are not particularly excellent for this, but if you set up a couple that makes your intentions clear you might be able to get some interest within a sensible geographical area. The ever-popular Feeld might be your best bet. Gays? Between Grindr and Scruff, you’re sorted. These apps have long been designed for couples as much as for singletons. But be prepared with pics of both of you. That’s very important.
Also, maybe try bars, clubs and cruising. Obviously you can do it at a wedding or at a party or just on a night out, but there are definitely venues where you can either go and just have a bit of public sex or find someone who’s up for joining you. If it’s a cruising spot, darkroom, a sex party, or just a bar with a bit of a reputation, there are different places you can try. A word to the wise: places like this have distinct codes of conduct and you’ll need to be on your A-game when it comes to registering and understanding signs of consent. I mean, you should be all the time, but the wilder the situation, the more astute you have to be.
Whichever way you find your third, King suggests organising a proper meet-up before you fuck so you can “talk, chill, vibe, and get to know each other”. And, if you really want to get to know them, take them out proper. “Wine and dine them,” he adds. “Really show that person the appreciation that you would want shown to you and your partner.” If part of the appeal is not getting to know your third, then King recommends organising the threesome in a hotel or an Airbnb, so that “when it’s over, everybody can leave and go on about their life”.
OK, now what happens?
You’ve got your third and the three of you are ready to go, so what next? There’s nothing more awkward than a moment where you’re all waiting for someone to make a move. This can be something you figure out as you go, but find someone in the trio who’s going to be the dungeon master of this particularly sexy Dungeons & Dragons campaign. If one of you propositioned the person in point five, they might be the best point person for saying, “Hey, so shall we all start sucking each other off?”
Once you’ve started, King says it’s important to have a check-in to make sure everybody’s okay. “When y’all have been going at it for a minute and you take a little water break, check that everybody still feels comfortable, appreciated, and respected. Like, ‘Is there anything we haven’t done that you want to do?’ It definitely doesn’t need to be a checklist, but make sure that your partners know that you care. Sex is always more enjoyable, hot, and passionate when you actually know what your partners are into, what pleases them, and what they want to get out of the experience.”
Then, when it comes to being as hot and enjoyable as possible, King says he believes in the saying, ‘Closed mouths don’t get fed’. “If there’s something you want to do that turns you on or that you want to watch, speak up on that shit,” he asserts. “Make sure everybody’s cool with it, and then get it in. A lot of times, people think the best sex is when it happens magically, but that’s not how the world works. The more you all know – whether through conversation or picking up on body language or how your partner responds to certain stimulants – the hotter it is. Fuck like you might never fuck again.”
Then, it’s best to know what the aftermath looks like: logically, you’ll want to have some cool-down and cleaning-off time, maybe offer them a drink, but, are they staying over? If they aren’t and you don’t have good public transport links, are you paying for their Uber? If they are, are you making them breakfast? What are you allowed to do with your third while one of you is out of the room? Also, if you don’t find the idea of a post-coitus Q&A sexy, you’re missing out. Once the lust has faded, it’s great to hear what worked and what didn’t. It’s even better if the chat’s expected, otherwise it becomes awkward for all parties. Before it even happens, lay out what could be good things to talk about after. A good assessment can lead to a really nice feeling of growth, of comfort, and maybe even some great one-on-one sex – well, once the refractory periods are over.
